Free

he hit me right over the head
bled and bled and bled
he sucker punched me to the sky
when i came back down

he kicked and kicked and kicked
the bruises defiled me, disfigured my face
and the blood dried in my hair
fingernails burned away

he dragged his axe
through me
repeatedly
slowly

all of this done smiling
and i remember the last strike
blinding me in the eyes
and i was gone.

i dragged my carcass to the hospital
my fingers trembling
i fixed my own drip
filled up bags with the blood of friends

which they’d donated with complimentary kisses
i lay there deader than pluto
when i checked myself in
and people i loved watched me sleep

they watched me breathe weakly
my ribs raise
the anchors of my heart sewing themselves slowly
back into the cavity

none of us expected him to give me a real beating
but who does?
we all lay there and waited for me
and one morning my eyes flew up like the sun.

we stuck some gauze onto my wounds
and sterilising them
wow
the pain meant acknowledging how bad it was

we cleaned my hair
had it smelling of rosehip and jojoba
we threaded our needles and started stitching
we soaked up the blood from the floors of my house

with paper towels
they went and bleached it
he’d done a runner
long gone

we filled in the paperwork
we filled in the holes
filtered blood into my veins
filtered life back into my eyes

he left like a bruise
in some amazing way
the black and blue
become purple and yellow

and the yellow to cream and skin
we watched me breathe harder
happier
and when it was time

i stood up
and made the bed
i let the drip fall to my feet
i removed the gown i’d worn like a disease

i discharged myself of a broken heart
the stitches still dissolving
the scabs swallowed by my own kiss
i opened the door

went home
stared at my kitchen floor
cleaner than a baby’s two eyes
and warmer than a mother’s hands

bleached bare
no pain in the crevices of the tiles
banking the walls
nothing

no we all came home to my house
and we all watched the moon pass our faces
we all smiled
the past disbanded as memories often do

then i was whole and free.

To Give Up Everything

N.B. For Soulmate #3, who let everybody down.

This is a testament to how much I love you.
That you left me when I needed you,
Take the power, friend.
You have your bones to bruise in future,
Something I won’t be around to mend.
To give up everything for lent.
This is the reason I have loved you.
And in reckoning your world, I have done so.
You are living deep inside the new,
You are fucking it.
You are impregnating yourself with too many new experiences to grind down,
You are swallowing without chewing and here you are, several months from now,
Choking.
I have loved you as I have loved sunsets.
I have loved you as I have loved the horizon in your hair.
You pretend to be some other,
This some other is you now.
I should congratulate you.
But I won’t.
To give up everything is such a waste on everything you have worked for
Where you won’t look into my dark eyes and say “I love you always”.
To give up your warm heart.
There’s jäger running through your veins.
There’s life in my own.
What melts is now,
Stood in a puddle of us
Your old clothes on the floor.
I have bled worse in the past.
I was never a kind of princess,
I just hope to be yours so much forever,
And it’s too young.
To give up the one thing you’ve always wanted to hold.
To give up your lovely old self
And watch me go.
To assume my feelings,
To make the mistake of blaming my bad days
And calling them a bad relationship.
To give up everything because you couldn’t swallow a bad pill
Some people spend years hating each other.
But I don’t.
I have loved you as I loved cool rain kiss my cheeks.
I have loved you as I loved the weather come and go and
I have loved you as the stars have died in your eyes.
Yes I have loved you.
And you gave up everything

For nothing.

What He Says To Me When I’m Raining Inside

“I just wish you’d have some good news for once”
I used to fuse with you, chemical energy
I drip tears from the seams of my eyes
My stitches are coming undone
And you
Fed up with trying to find the needle to sew me
Lose the thread and stitch badly

Say I drank beer every other night like you
And planned my days around what my mates were thinking of doing
Say I ate too many microwave meals
And stuck my fingers in you like play dough
You’d have to look hard to find the good news
That swims around your half-dead body
Such is the rain that drizzles down my throat

And bleeds from my fingers
I am hanging over you
Like your own personal rain cloud
But you mistake me for being one too many jaeger shots last night.
And you miss your lectures for sleep
What happened to the Gentle Giant in the grey suit too big for him?
What happened to the old kiss he planted on me and meant?

Must’ve got lost with the good memories
“Because it’s like every day, y’know? There’s only so much I can take”
And when I talk to myself at night and beg the Sun to stay on the other side of the world
There’s only so much I can take of the burning pain inside my chest
Telling me that you just want me to be happy
When I hold the weight of the oceans on my shoulders
When you’re gone again to cling on hard to another wall

Sometimes I am just another wall to you
And my chest pales with your disappearance
I have tried to find something old but you are something new
And I’m borrowing my smiles from somebody else
When I’m the only one feeling blue
And I can taste the whole of it
The crunch of the lie when you say “I wanna marry you”

So say I drank the same beer like you
So say I danced like an idiot in the same tiny bar like you
So say I pretended this same way of life was cool
So say I lost myself to the same music and the same drink
And the same old people
And asked you for different but happy news

Yeah, I didn’t think you had any either too.

Personal Problems: 9th Account

(N.B. I have never been so honest to myself, to you, Reader, to humanity. I hope I never meet you. I hope your eyes never cut my face).

Some time back I said I fuck with words.
I still do.
I am their prostitute.
I am their dirty little whore.

My father holds me against the world,
If I could still keep his protection I would,
But I put 20 oceans between us for the sake of education.
Welcome to University.

Father, tell me something so innately personal
That it takes you back to you standing on the edge of your own father’s grave.

I know these cuts on your skin,
Father, Foreigner, Friend.

You never tell me your deepest secrets so easily,
I peel you back, layer by layer, once every 3 or 4 years.
So this time it will take you some time to think.
I’ll give you some of my own to soothe the pain you’re feeling.

I am your dirty half-breed daughter,
They called me that at school.
And I know it breaks you into two,
That you couldn’t whip humanity’s tongue back into the sewers of its throat.

I don’t blame you,
I don’t blame the blood running through my veins,
I’m happy to be this different,
I’m happy to stare in everybody’s eyes and be weird.

Your family try to love me, but not wholly,
Because I’m half Mother.
Mother’s family try to love me, but not wholly,
Because I’m half you.

Either way, both sides of the same coin are not in my life at all.
How long has it been since I stared into the eyes of my superior cousins?
So long.
So I live by the words,

And I’m sorry to say Father,
I’ve sold myself short to words.
I’m the Sasha Grey of language.
I don’t use protection, either.

How many times I’ve been knocked up,
I’ve lost count,
But I know that this coping mechanism hurts me so much sometimes
That I might as well abort myself.

If I weren’t in your life
Maybe I wouldn’t have licked the paddles of the racism,
I have swam in seas of other peoples’ spit,
So I go home and fuck another word or two.

Father, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not being a mathematician.
I know you don’t say too many words in your life.
I know you will never like this work.

But I love you.
I love selling myself for free.
I’m fairly good at it; just like sex,
You get better at it the more you do it.

Every poem of mine is another ex that you never knew about
And every word is another sore you never saw
But you don’t have to heal it
Or bind it with “daddy strength”

If you need to know,
Scroll the pages.
Go through my texts and call up my ex-words,
My one night stands with syllables,

Because I haven’t seen them in months.
I miss them.
I miss Mother.
I miss you.

Maybe the fact we’re so hated by so many people who don’t know us
It turned us into selling ourselves short.
You still respect yourself.
Maybe I don’t. Maybe I do.

I chuck the coins from the spaces between my legs
And hopefully someone will eat them,
I’m not doing this for the money,
I just want somebody to listen, even if its not you.

So there you go Father.
I’ve said my piece.
You’re not somebody to shirk out on a deal,
You’re a man of your word.

Its your turn now.

Erase Me

Erase me
friend
from your life
from your words
from your existence
like watercolour i can wash away

you have been all the gravity
you have been all the stains
but i have been momentary
like last summer
and i know the feeling
of this darkness growing inside you

it grows in me too.

but if you can’t stand it any longer
i’ll take the insect off your back
sucking your neck dry
and i’ll squash it against my eyes
i’ll erase us both from your days
and sometimes you’ll see faint lines

from where i used to be
i can’t remove those
sorry
but i can no longer be in your view
just colour you into something new
erase me if it makes you happy my love

i am grown and so are you.

The Road to Finding Oneself

Give me ways to fall asleep,
I’m floating across this reef.
The moon’s the apple of my eyes,
I will crunch a chunk and dip it into the stars.

I pretend I am real,
I am stuck into your routine,
I fall in love with the way I air dry
Tell the world I am free and alone.

And I mean it,
When I say I’ll make what I can out of this,
Harvest life’s crops into concentric circles
Like I dropped an acorn into the river.

Angels are my Daddy’s lover,
And Mama’s carer,
When I go home I want their hold to crush me to their hearts
That I can no longer heave out the air from my lungs.

I push the kisses into the bottle,
Send them across the sea,
Can anybody find me?
I am smothered by sea air and 3 showers a day,

Spending the money like sailors on liquor,
The clouds are my eyeshadow,
The night my eyeliner,
The sunrise will be my lipstick,

I lacquer layer upon layer of insecurity onto my feeble soul,
Don’t you know what its like to feel whole?
Open your arms wide, there’s creativity inside,
And passion puts itself on a spin,

I loved you this whole time.