crying in the elevator

mike why’d you have to go n do this to me?
15 minutes into my life and i was staring my mother out

but she won.

and it’s not like it’s some kind of competition but
the capacity to make a man’s eyes water
as he holds his hooch from across the bar

is absolutely delicious.

mike i’m crying in the elevator
with a pizza crust sat like a sad smile
in the bottom of my stomach.

mike i told you
humans are the biggest oxymoron in existence
which makes us amazing

but such a pain in the arse.

i don’t like winning anymore
and so men who settle the score with me
i adore,

cos my heart was decapitated from a head of kisses
that many fucks ago an ex gave me
and he told me, he told me,

you’re amazing, lymh

and he calls me baby and hands me cake like dummies
for i am sickly
and cannot quite manage hangovers as i could 3 weeks ago

i drink to remember what it felt like kissing jäger off his dirty t-shirt
and i drink to remember what a lovely curse i’ve been given
that sucking cocks just isn’t fun anymore

and that i hate the sound of my own voice in seminars

15 minutes into my life mike

my ex was holding my hair behind my neck
wet from the rain
saying

marry me, you shit

what kind of a man drinks hooch
and what kind of a man proposes after a 2am argument as i vomit,
howling tears to the moon?

i dunno mike.

but i’m still crying in this elevator cos of you.

you make my heart beat really really hard

melt me to stone

i have loved autumns colder than a raindrop on your forehead

i am stuck inside that hole in your t-shirt

and clinging to the hairs on your chest

parasitic to your heart

because you make my heart beat really really fast

    and i can’t pretend this november didn’t pull the plug on gravity

  why don’t you say you love me 

  why don’t you say you love me 

hy don’t you say you love me

why don’t you say you love me 

why don’t you say you love me

i am broken water

won’t you drink me up?
and make my heart beat really really fast
like guns
and bedposts knocking against the wall, yell at me
and bedposts knocking against the wall, yell at me

and bedstands knocking against the wa
and bedstands knocking against the wall, yell at me
and bedstands knocking against the wall, yell at me
and bedstands knocking against the wall, yell at me
and bedstands knocking against the wall, yell at me

melt me to a pink
kiss me each time you blink
i am stuck inside that hole in your t-shirt
and cannot get out
and cannot breathe

i want the heavy breathing
i want a body on me
to crush me
and to crush my lungs in your palms like sweets

why don’t you say you love me
why don’t you say you love me

     hy don’t you say you love me

why don’t you say you love me
why don’
t you say you love me

but you make my heart beat really really fast
but you make my heart beat really really fast
but you make my heart beat really really fast
but you make my heart beat really really fast
but you make my heart beat really really fas
but you make my heart beat really really fast
bu
t you make my heart.beat really really fast

can u tell me where the train station is

it’s like five streets down,
y’know,
heart full of worry, full of tomato juice
“it’s not my place to tell you when to fuck me”
and when we could’ve been together
i was on that train
and when we could’ve been together
u was on that white stuff

coked up
fuck up
drench aber in Jäger
drench fal in tequila
i tell em’ i’m on a million
takes a picture of me or somethin
jake’s on the wine like it’s heroin

man said that’s dirty
dad said he’s disappointed in me
i said i’m on a date this thurs
people not in my knickers
confessers, vicars, n dealers

i lived for it
and pal i lived FOR U
somehow made room for u in my tiny ribcage
brain’s makin me pay bedroom tax
for anyone renting out my chest
we ain’t working
this ain’t working

where u goin
FOR A WALK BEN
takin doggy down roads
manchester’s like my older brother yanno
and syringes like this
they’re leaking piss
and i’m confused as to what i’m doing here
gives into the fear,

you said it’s clear
clear as mud
rehab is a must
what coulda
what shoulda
‘whatever’, says your mother
i told her

it was a waste of time
regardless she said she’d be fine
and she wired her way into the moon’s heart
kickstarts
its beating
take him for a severe kissing
they never knew i was probably on something

shit that’s never been heard before on at mono
tells him where to go and i know
that no one person has seen darkness like i have
to ur attention i grab
listening to this song makes me so sad
to the point of killing yourself on north pier
ur life is too dear

did you remember that mistake u made last summer?
try to remember.
ur face turns white
save it to your hard drive.
it’s like five streets down.
y’know, brain full of love
and the heart’s stuffed.

Lessons Learned #4

For a friend.

and i was there,
because they too, the lovers
thread all the hearts they have broken
around their necks

fat and bursting with the words never meant
the mixed messages
the unreturned calls
and the sleepless nights you popped went unnoticed.

i will make this simple and quick
break your own heart
cease to exist, become a colour they can’t touch
empty their rainbows

control

RIP

you tell me

              tell you the autumn on your tongue 
                  could be a metaphor for the way it falls 
                  into my sticky mouth 
your skin is a language
it is dark and black and lovely
                 you give me up, you tell me you want love
and you say it’s something to glue
to the edges of my smile
                 you’re a chew toy on the end of a man
that’s all i am
                 that’s all you are, embrace
                 shake this flu off you, wear fur, it’s cold don’t you know
you tell me
                 tell you that the end of summer 
                 is blinded by sadness
                 the first dark hour is your first night as a whore
i sold you to the moon
              i sold you to another man 
give me your word you won’t do it again
                 give me your word you won’t cry when i do.

 

my life without you would be purposeless – a speech

hello 2 am, come to haunt me? i thought you would.
cheap liquor, no boy to kiss.
tell me what does the black in your hollowed out sky
tell you
to dismiss, all the feelings for a man i should miss?
is it thoughts that should haunt me in this way?
i cry at that idea.
tears slip into my tea. god forbid a boy should ever get to know me.

so i drop the mug to the kitchen floor.
and here i go. manifesto at the ready.
promises to make, like any politician, i’m not saying i’ll keep any.

my life without you would be purposeless,
i am promising you my ill heart, it is feverish.
high temperature, blood pressure a little on the low side.
i’ve always been a little low though, haven’t i
and you have got to squeeze and twist me like a washcloth.
dampen your hot head with me
because i, my lover, can cool you down.
because i, my dreamer, can give you visions better than a trip on acid.

so i drop the manifesto to the bandstand floor.
and here i go. box of tissues at the ready.
watching myself fall out of love like an audrey hepburn movie.

i peer through my sunglasses
say it one more time, that yes my life would be purposeless without you.
i don’t drink wine i just swallow it like a dick.
because there’s a kind of violence about alcohol that complements the very taste of men
and their bones.
they think i’d collapse under the influence,
i just hide though.
there’s a confession, 2 am, that i never told you before.

my life without him was purposeless,
but i love the strange weather in his eyes now.
it’s like looking a stranger. it’s like looking at nothing at all.

cigarettes are bad for you

N.B. for being young and heartbroken and complex and unforgiving and hating the world

we are sucking the life out of us aren’t we darling?
we are complicated and weird,
hurt by foreign bodies that used to wedge themselves
deep inside our hearts.
how on earth did we ever dislodge them friend?
I say, “cigarettes are bad for you”,
and you light up another, so I laugh at your lungs decomposing
and what fun it must be to be so addicted
to something so bad for you.

then I remember that I was once wearing those shoes.
dragging on the same cigarette.
snorting, injecting, rolling with the sun.
I saw moonlight every time I looked at him.
they wonder what could’ve made me such a heartless wretch,
well, as Romeo says,
I never saw true beauty until this night
but then of course, I lost it like heart’s needle.
and so the story goes I had my lungs turn to ash in his hands.
forget the world, and God too.

there is a strange in your eyes,
and for this I treat you with a dick-sucking,
because how many more of me are there in the world
who won’t feel sorry for you the next time you make a mistake?
how many will visit you when you’re heartbroken?
standing on the bones of your dead relationship.
hearing he’s broken condoms in half on other women,
and you,
eating dry cereal out of the box at 4 am.

cigarettes are bad for you,
but I guess broken hearts will be the death of us,
tell me was it your mother that broke you in this way?
or was it your father who cleaved your soul into two?
I am a bad girl, you are a bad boy.
we are famous for our kind of cold,
but something is stale on my lips, it’s my ever-forgiving soul,
so once you have used me, done with me,
come out here on the balcony, light another cigarette,
and die tomorrow.