“don’t you miss having a penis inside you?”

my housemate is stirring his cup a soup
and i am wearing my skin inside out on the sofa
thinking no one has noticed how naked i am
yet thinking i don’t care thinking that if i draw attention to myself
my penniless heart will speak again

and it could be the fact that i am getting kicked out of spoons’ with you
and it could be the fact that i am puffing on cigs with you

but i was never ready for the way your eyes
would pinch my cheeks mid-conversation
as your lips smack together weeping inbetween
croaking stuff like
“chomsky, unfair, obligatory, yes, no”

and whenever i light a vanilla scented candle in my room
i think about the way it hurts to be in love with a fantasy
and the way you were like a disappointing subway sandwich
and she put pickles on it instead of cucumber

I am never in the mood for rain these days
I used to love it because i wanted to be more like bella swan
and be complicated n interesting
but now it is changing,
i am wearing clothes like my mother’s

and i have been happy eating birthday cake alone in my room in the afternoon
and listening to magpies beat their tails on my windowsill

and i have enjoyed not having a penis inside me every day
i have enjoyed being held by a man that does not want me
and kissing his cheek as though we were two daisies nodding at each other
i have enjoyed not being sat on the sofa crying over kfc waiting for a phone call.

i have enjoyed fucking a stage to pieces and putting tears in peoples’ eyes
you ask me to tell you what to do
and i could cry
because i don’t know

i just wanna go home take my bra off
sit topless in bed and put season 1 of gavin and Stacey on

and not tell you how utterly utterly broken my ex has left me
and that i am incapable of loving anyone but the sun
and a long walk along the beach
i don’t miss having a lopsided penis inside me
with words like “baby baby” in my ear

i was a change in season and a lick of the wind
and suddenly i am love with myself again.

i’m not normal

it’s Albany place and Tesco metro is around the corner
and tears are dripping down my face
and now my make up is ruined.

i’m not normal
my chest feels tight with the weight of every word
anyone ever says to me

and I trip half way down the street.
Trelawney.
there’s a house on this road I want to move into.

i have been busy at home making a new face for myself.

i have been making it very pretty with nice highlighter
And a nice smile
And i have made sure this face hasn’t been eating too many pizzas.

this face goes to the gym and takes photos and has a laugh
this face is not fragile.
this face enjoys life.

midnight, Netflix in the background as my eyelids crash
there is a cobweb on the ceiling
it is a metaphor for all my friendships

there is only one star in this cloudless sky tonight
i cannot fully shut my window
and my mouth tastes like cigarettes.

i have been fumbling with my jeans on toilets
And trying to avoid dusk.
i have not been to any parties.

i am not normal.
i am a baby screaming at her rattle.
i am crying because I don’t know which sandwich I want.

“she’s had a misspent youth, this one”

you hung out with me at a time when my chest was boundless, dead
the same sentiment you get when you pass roadkill on the motorway
the curious sad “oh” you make as you drive by the carcass.
you thought half an ecstasy pill was enough to keep me high
you thought one-sixteenth of an acid tab was enough to thrill me

my eyes weren’t doing anything.
and you weren’t changing colour.
we have the same dealer.
you think it’s cool that you sometimes run errands for him.
i think it’s boring to pass over a gram every few seconds.
the door never stops being knocked.
and you don’t stop trying to knock my legs apart.
i keep em closed.
and my mouth wide.
i am a fan of old school garage and walking past houses on the councillor’s estate playing T2 from an lg cookie.
my primary school crush wore adidas trackies.
i am a fan of dad pulling over on the a6 and jumping out of the car and dancing to scooter’s rework of logical song.
as a family we’ve always enjoyed chasing sunsets in a blue Peugeot 206 and
i’ve always enjoyed the thrill of leaving class at the same time as another boy just to kiss them in school toilets.
not much has changed.
not much at all.
except I’ve done my fair bit of racking up now
and there’s so many mistakes wriggling around underneath my nail beds.
i need a manicure.
god love me. wherever he is.
i suppose we have many dealers, you and i
you have your favourites
and i date them.
and then when it becomes clear my body’s just another reefer to them
i get a chill and go on home.
fix myself a peanut butter and jam potato cake,
y’all should try it. it’s good.
anyway like i said,
my heart is roadkill.
when you get to my age, you’re having societally expected fun.
and doing things you do in the prime of your millennial life.
but i honestly don’t think i was born in the right year.
i feel about a million years old.
it’s kinda sad that I’m dating boys your age
it’s kinda sad i’m here at all.

don’t you know my love

my love

i have peeled words for centuries
fetched fistfuls of bruises looking for you

my love
my blood crawls across my lips in relief now
don’t you know i have smeared strawberry hearts across my knees in pain

i have been thrown over
and thrown out
i have stitched the sun into my eyes
and been blinded

my love

you have been gone all my life
you have been here all my life
and my love

god gave me every hand of every human in the world
and in them, i have searched the lines of every palm for you
i have searched every wrinkle of the fire
i have searched all the twitches of the soil
and i have searched through the smiles of empty air
for your noise

my love
don’t you know that you are the blow that hunted me out of the universe
and my love

i have dried out every raindrop on my tongue
i have squeezed sunset after sunset like juice into skyscraper glasses
i have screamed at the moon
i have wet the entirety of night with my tears
i have cried feathers of myself
i have plucked hairs out of the ocean
i have made nebulae underneath my fingernails
don’t you know i have killed myself wearing wounds inside out

but i have found you forever.