the day before you dumped me
you said you were taking me to barry
for our 2nd year anniversary
because you know i love gavin & stacey
and you know i love the beach
sometimes i don’t think i’m alive.
when i’m in seminars my face feels like its crumbling.
when i’m in lectures i am a ghost in a chair,
i sit next to jamie and he looks at me
and its like all of me vanishes.
the tears stain my cheeks
and i wipe my lipstick off with the night.
i would climb into bed with the guy i kissed
but he savours the aftertaste of you
on my breath and he knows that i am elsewhere.
i will not sleep with anybody in this place.
i suggested we should go to the trampoline park
it sounds like such an unromantic place to be,
it sounds so cheesy,
that was us in a lot of ways.
this makes me laugh.
yesterday i walked to asda with fifi and the sky
was so clear you could read books through the stars.
i remembered maenporth.
i told her how last summer
we went to that beach with hannah and jon
you had no idea where i was taking you all
but sure enough we ended up on that blank beach
waiting to be tattooed with our footprints and our skin.
you and i climbed into the waves
and spun the ocean into each other’s faces,
we laughed until our guts throbbed
we smiled on a half-cast sunny day
and it was all turquoise and full of seaweed,
i screamed every time it licked my legs.
you and i fell into a wet and sticky hug
and my god
i loved you harder then.
you were deep in my bones.
i’m so sorry
that i couldn’t be happy all day everyday
i’m so sorry
that i “dragged you down”
it couldn’t be helped
my head hurts a lot
and i’m not somebody who can kiss away the dark
within a week like you
but i can say that your love
made room for some light.
i wish you had never gone to university.
to become this single form
to become this boy
he might pass me in the street someday
6ft7, red head,
and I won’t recognise him.
but that’s how you’ve changed.
and we are not what we were,
you anchored me to the sea bed
and went on your way
this, i fully accept.
you couldn’t help me
because you loved me
but you loved you more
and you loved these other people more
who you will learn someday, to be just as irrelevant as i am.
i have married myself
to another structure
although what structure,
i am unsure. it is not you. it is me. but not as i used to be.
i want you to learn that loss is an easy thing.
someday i will be on the same beach
laughing at the sun
wet sticky hugs with a man
who probably knows how to stick around
when i am disappearing and teaches me how to breathe.
who makes me his concern.
who loves me,
good day, bad day.
who doesn’t confuse a bad day or a bad week or a bad month
for a bad relationship.
someday a man will take me to barry
for our second year anniversary
because he knows i love gavin & stacey
and because he knows i love the beach
and he will take me to the trampoline park in cardiff
i won’t look at your name and sob hard into my mattress.
this poem will feel stupid.