Take Me Back To The Painful Days

take me back to the painful days
where we were wringing out my bloody heart to dry
when we were tactically vomiting out our feelings for each other over phone calls

because i have no taste for these days
stuck for money and there is nothing to say anymore
that’s why i sit in the chatroom alone where i have been waiting my entire life for men

take me back to the painful days
where i look at myself in the mirror and see the comfort eating
has worked its way around my gullet and my pretty tubes and sits on my chin and my legs

where i have lost myself for love
or where you no longer finger the keyholes to my head
this line’s a cliché, my lecturer said

take me back to the painful days
of waiting for your body to drag itself home to bed
and i with the empty liquor bottles piercing the bedroom floor, bleeding the last few drops

i know of liquid
and of dating men who secretly hate me
where they shove me to the ground and tell me never to grow back up again

and being 19 i can’t win can i
because if i tell a 35 year old that everything hurts
they put it down to a strop and don’t know about the older men that taught me to grow

to grow the way they wanted me to
to grow so quick i would choke on their fertiliser they force fed me
these days i wilt with a broken smile and tell my school friends that i hate them

in the hope that they’ll be sorry
because they don’t think they did anything wrong
but i long for pain to write about, i don’t want to be numb to it i want the full force of it

take me back to the painful days
of pretending “baby she’s worth it” and trying eyeliner
and lipstick for the first time in hope on boys div day somebody would find me pretty

take me back to the painful days
where i could kill people in ways they didn’t know
where i would be so quick and invisible that they couldn’t feel it

where i was young and in love with an idea
and where i was a child and twisted by fears older men injected me with
back to the days that mattered more and meant more for all this instability.

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