Papa G Returns

papa G, where’ve you been baby?
stroking your talons and remembering how you bruised me so long ago
i have my own house now
i have my own friends now
i have had men come and go

but you don’t go do you?
you have the taste of my blood
settling in your gums
you have marinated me for too long
between your teeth

i am sticky
papa G, how’s life?
did you ever find a wife?
did you ever tell anyone you still love me?
or is your heart still in cryo?

can i resurrect you from the freeze
and pretend to love you
so its easier to move on from the warmth
of these other men that have stabbed me
in my throat

i can’t squeeze a scream nor a tear
from the drains of my eyes
or the pipes of my tongue
papa G, do we have a chance at regretting
our losses together

because for me it rains
and for you you’re caught in the eyes
of so many storms
i wonder what you’ve been doing
but you won’t ever tell me

i see you appear in my dreams
telling me to live in your arms again
but not when i want to belong to somebody else
i wake up and i see the figure
then it disappears

you have been here.
you have returned papa G.
you have smelled my hair and my skin when i have slept.
i have caught you in my mirror.
i have felt the familiar bruises on my ribs again.

what do you want?

That Sun

N.B. “Because you’re your problem Annie, and you’re also your solution.”

You put the glow to your lips,
Here’s looking at you, (kid),
Putting that sun to your face
And being your own solution for once.

You remember when you hated the light?
Me too.
I remember that shit well. That darkness.
I remember it transcending, curling, kissing.

That Sun
It has to touch you when you’re on the tube,
Or closed off in some bus somewhere.
You’re sweeter. You’re happier.

Well done for being yourself,
Well done for coming out of your shell,
Well done for saying goodbye to people who don’t love you
Well done for solving your own equations, you.

I Enjoy Hurting Myself

I will quite happily listen to the same songs
That make me think of panic attacks on the bus home

That remind me of how much I hated you
Or how much I loved you

That take me back to suffering in silence at school
And pretending my friends gave a fuck about me

I enjoy hurting myself
Because digging up all my corpses where I’ve shed my different skins

Is like injecting infected blood into me
And I long to taste memories such as that one where you broke my heart

Or where you stopped being my friend and started being a dick
Or where you said you didn’t love me anymore by the beach

Or being forced to suck your dick because you thought you still owned me
Or having his tongue tattoo me and her words forge me like I were metal to be stained

Or not being supported by my best friend when I was stuck for choice
Or seeing the disappointment people have had in their eyes when they look at me sometimes

I enjoy hurting myself
I love folding the pages of my history

I love poking at the scars
I don’t enjoy forgetting details

I thrive on them
They are the wounds that never healed

And time never fixed them either
So I enjoy hurting myself

I enjoy pain
I suppose.

To Give Up Everything

N.B. For Soulmate #3, who let everybody down.

This is a testament to how much I love you.
That you left me when I needed you,
Take the power, friend.
You have your bones to bruise in future,
Something I won’t be around to mend.
To give up everything for lent.
This is the reason I have loved you.
And in reckoning your world, I have done so.
You are living deep inside the new,
You are fucking it.
You are impregnating yourself with too many new experiences to grind down,
You are swallowing without chewing and here you are, several months from now,
Choking.
I have loved you as I have loved sunsets.
I have loved you as I have loved the horizon in your hair.
You pretend to be some other,
This some other is you now.
I should congratulate you.
But I won’t.
To give up everything is such a waste on everything you have worked for
Where you won’t look into my dark eyes and say “I love you always”.
To give up your warm heart.
There’s jäger running through your veins.
There’s life in my own.
What melts is now,
Stood in a puddle of us
Your old clothes on the floor.
I have bled worse in the past.
I was never a kind of princess,
I just hope to be yours so much forever,
And it’s too young.
To give up the one thing you’ve always wanted to hold.
To give up your lovely old self
And watch me go.
To assume my feelings,
To make the mistake of blaming my bad days
And calling them a bad relationship.
To give up everything because you couldn’t swallow a bad pill
Some people spend years hating each other.
But I don’t.
I have loved you as I loved cool rain kiss my cheeks.
I have loved you as I loved the weather come and go and
I have loved you as the stars have died in your eyes.
Yes I have loved you.
And you gave up everything

For nothing.

What He Says To Me When I’m Raining Inside

“I just wish you’d have some good news for once”
I used to fuse with you, chemical energy
I drip tears from the seams of my eyes
My stitches are coming undone
And you
Fed up with trying to find the needle to sew me
Lose the thread and stitch badly

Say I drank beer every other night like you
And planned my days around what my mates were thinking of doing
Say I ate too many microwave meals
And stuck my fingers in you like play dough
You’d have to look hard to find the good news
That swims around your half-dead body
Such is the rain that drizzles down my throat

And bleeds from my fingers
I am hanging over you
Like your own personal rain cloud
But you mistake me for being one too many jaeger shots last night.
And you miss your lectures for sleep
What happened to the Gentle Giant in the grey suit too big for him?
What happened to the old kiss he planted on me and meant?

Must’ve got lost with the good memories
“Because it’s like every day, y’know? There’s only so much I can take”
And when I talk to myself at night and beg the Sun to stay on the other side of the world
There’s only so much I can take of the burning pain inside my chest
Telling me that you just want me to be happy
When I hold the weight of the oceans on my shoulders
When you’re gone again to cling on hard to another wall

Sometimes I am just another wall to you
And my chest pales with your disappearance
I have tried to find something old but you are something new
And I’m borrowing my smiles from somebody else
When I’m the only one feeling blue
And I can taste the whole of it
The crunch of the lie when you say “I wanna marry you”

So say I drank the same beer like you
So say I danced like an idiot in the same tiny bar like you
So say I pretended this same way of life was cool
So say I lost myself to the same music and the same drink
And the same old people
And asked you for different but happy news

Yeah, I didn’t think you had any either too.

Soulmate #2

should your mother ever lose her grip on you
and i hope she should

let her know how many things she ruined for you
because being your first beau should’ve been a wonderful thing

and whilst you did score so high on that BMAT
and whilst your mother did get kicks out of pressing her ear up against your bedroom door

whenever we were getting off
it never sufficed did it

“soulmate #2”?
should you ever realise that brains aren’t everything

and nobody likes a cold fish
then you’ll obviously realise too that making your sister your competitor subconsciously

isn’t too healthy for a sibling partnership
i wonder how many times your mother had to call my dad a terrorist

before you decided the best thing to do was dump me
in order to save your own skin before she carpeted our relationship with enough bombs

to burn the earth of us down
so should your family ever know or understand

that sometimes your A* doesn’t trump my violent grudge that i still have on you
or how mad it still makes me feel to know you think you were right

then they’ll also know what a silly mistake you made
listening to your mother again and pursuing a career which deep down doesn’t suit you as a human

but together we’ll keep it our little secret
because for a while i knew you better than mummy ever did

and it tore her at the seams to see her son stray so far away
so she threw you a bone and you picked it up and left

your mother plants her own seeds in your brain
(the roots of your genius, maybe)

so that you will never know how dumb it is
to rid yourself of many opportunities to fall in love

not just with me
but with anybody or anything

i was not in a relationship with you
i was in a relationship with your mother

and the timetable
and your exquisite superior intelligence, maybe

and for that reason, “soulmate #2”
i was glad to have lost all my faith in somebody supposedly as “clever” as you.

Take Me Back To The Painful Days

take me back to the painful days
where we were wringing out my bloody heart to dry
when we were tactically vomiting out our feelings for each other over phone calls

because i have no taste for these days
stuck for money and there is nothing to say anymore
that’s why i sit in the chatroom alone where i have been waiting my entire life for men

take me back to the painful days
where i look at myself in the mirror and see the comfort eating
has worked its way around my gullet and my pretty tubes and sits on my chin and my legs

where i have lost myself for love
or where you no longer finger the keyholes to my head
this line’s a cliché, my lecturer said

take me back to the painful days
of waiting for your body to drag itself home to bed
and i with the empty liquor bottles piercing the bedroom floor, bleeding the last few drops

i know of liquid
and of dating men who secretly hate me
where they shove me to the ground and tell me never to grow back up again

and being 19 i can’t win can i
because if i tell a 35 year old that everything hurts
they put it down to a strop and don’t know about the older men that taught me to grow

to grow the way they wanted me to
to grow so quick i would choke on their fertiliser they force fed me
these days i wilt with a broken smile and tell my school friends that i hate them

in the hope that they’ll be sorry
because they don’t think they did anything wrong
but i long for pain to write about, i don’t want to be numb to it i want the full force of it

take me back to the painful days
of pretending “baby she’s worth it” and trying eyeliner
and lipstick for the first time in hope on boys div day somebody would find me pretty

take me back to the painful days
where i could kill people in ways they didn’t know
where i would be so quick and invisible that they couldn’t feel it

where i was young and in love with an idea
and where i was a child and twisted by fears older men injected me with
back to the days that mattered more and meant more for all this instability.

Soulmate #1

it is almost 5 am
i have to be somewhere in a few hours
and not a day goes by where i don’t think of you

or the first time you spunked in my hand
and called it ‘love’
not a day goes by where i don’t remember your face

but i think i have been conditioned to remember you everyday
“soulmate #1”,
because you said if i didn’t i would die

it is almost 5 am and again i have thrown myself against the page
owing language to you
dedicating the minutes of the early morning to you

you are the reason my body clock broke its spine
and started sniffing coke on the bathroom sink
and here i am awake again

and there you are puffing on the shisha pipe again
your mum said i was bad for you
you brushed it off because you had evil about you that curdled the devil’s blood

and it was so intoxicating
that you were destined to be
“soulmate #1″

because you took a little girl and forced her to stare at the sun
so she became blind and grew up all too young
because you were desperate for her to be a woman

so woman she did
and so you used her you did
in all the best and worst ways

i have that to stain my hands of you
never mind your semen on my belly
so-called “soulmate #1”.