Girlfriends

(NB. I belong to somebody. I can’t diss anybody without dissing myself, I put myself in danger).

I do.
Well I do, I do very early in this relationship very much indeed.
You know its the pizza boxes left over from the Co-op
And finding your head on my chest
That makes me a girlfriend, I’m somebody’s, y’know.

I don’t need it,
Wait, what, do I need it,
Do I need these organs swelling with vulnerability,
Its futile I swear, well somebody should hang me,
Somebody should hang us,
I’m one of these girlfriends dedicating to living, thinking, breathing him.

I put myself up in the air, I wave like a flag
And it’s all white, it’s all white,
Do you remember the time that we first looked at one another
I can hardly remember the start
she said you liked me and I didn’t like you back
And it was futile, it was pointless,

Now my chest’s hammered to your lips,
Now I know how you sleep,
If I had to make the oceans disappear then I would,
And if you flooded my world with your love
Then I’d be blessed and I’d be dead,

I’m a girlfriend and its my job to get so jealous
That I grow worms within my ribs and they start to eat away at my bones
Its my job to suffocate myself so much with possessiveness
And mistrust that it kills me,
Its my job to grow some balls and to get the fuck over it
And to treat everybody like a threat,

I do not have to apologise to you,
Somebody so as easily corrupts me,
Bitch I’m angry,
You love your liquor and your friends, but do you love me?
Course you do I’m just so hurt by own hands that I don’t love myself
And if I can’t love myself how can I believe anybody else does,

I’m one way, then I’m the next,
I’m your best friend and your favourite double standard,
I’m a double message, I’m a double D,
and just cos I take your D doesn’t mean nobody else will
Somebody should hang me, somebody wants me,
And its a shock horror fact,
That when I drag my tongue across your skin in bed
That you shiver under my eyes

I’ll knife you in bed with my stares
And kill you with kisses
Its all in the name of love that I do this for you,
And its not meant to be so intense
But what if I told you that these feelings are as old as my damned soul
And I’ve sold you and I to the sky

And I wanna drift with you, alone,
I wanna buy candy floss from the clouds and pretend we’re the only humans to exist
I wanna live on a star,
I want my own planet and build a theme park the size of Europe on it
Girlfriends,
Somebody should noose em’
My ex best friend can’t live without hers
I’m my ex best friend,
I’m a loss to understanding

That I’m young and I’m broke
And I’m a privileged white girl with first world problems
With only Daddy to blame
We’re both passionate people,
Maybe that’s why I feel deep this way,
And that’s why when I step into the windows of your eyes
You bathe me in everything you’ve ever given to me,
You’ve given me everything
And its guilt as wrecking as this I find
To tell you “He’ll be just fine”
But what’s best for him is me, what’s best for me is him
And I tie us to the mast
And look out over our ocean, over our world,
Somebody pass me the bong I need to smoke out my problems
These issues are bubbling like fish inside my organs

I was not high when I wrote any of this,
It takes me a second to realise it
But how much more of the scarred over wounds can I take being jabbed at
Oh it aches.
It aches so much.
That somebody took me from being a girl,
And made me a woman because of it,

And that’s why we go back to the pizza boxes
And the DVDs left out of their cases
And our clothes on the floor
And wishing that somewhere we’d be reunited in that same hall again,
Do you see what I’m saying
Its futility, vulnerability
It proper scares me

And the worst part is
We don’t know what we actually want
We cling onto you because you’re the closest thing to finding out
And if we lost you
Well,
We’d probably lose ourselves.

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