Girlfriends

(NB. I belong to somebody. I can’t diss anybody without dissing myself, I put myself in danger).

I do.
Well I do, I do very early in this relationship very much indeed.
You know its the pizza boxes left over from the Co-op
And finding your head on my chest
That makes me a girlfriend, I’m somebody’s, y’know.

I don’t need it,
Wait, what, do I need it,
Do I need these organs swelling with vulnerability,
Its futile I swear, well somebody should hang me,
Somebody should hang us,
I’m one of these girlfriends dedicating to living, thinking, breathing him.

I put myself up in the air, I wave like a flag
And it’s all white, it’s all white,
Do you remember the time that we first looked at one another
I can hardly remember the start
she said you liked me and I didn’t like you back
And it was futile, it was pointless,

Now my chest’s hammered to your lips,
Now I know how you sleep,
If I had to make the oceans disappear then I would,
And if you flooded my world with your love
Then I’d be blessed and I’d be dead,

I’m a girlfriend and its my job to get so jealous
That I grow worms within my ribs and they start to eat away at my bones
Its my job to suffocate myself so much with possessiveness
And mistrust that it kills me,
Its my job to grow some balls and to get the fuck over it
And to treat everybody like a threat,

I do not have to apologise to you,
Somebody so as easily corrupts me,
Bitch I’m angry,
You love your liquor and your friends, but do you love me?
Course you do I’m just so hurt by own hands that I don’t love myself
And if I can’t love myself how can I believe anybody else does,

I’m one way, then I’m the next,
I’m your best friend and your favourite double standard,
I’m a double message, I’m a double D,
and just cos I take your D doesn’t mean nobody else will
Somebody should hang me, somebody wants me,
And its a shock horror fact,
That when I drag my tongue across your skin in bed
That you shiver under my eyes

I’ll knife you in bed with my stares
And kill you with kisses
Its all in the name of love that I do this for you,
And its not meant to be so intense
But what if I told you that these feelings are as old as my damned soul
And I’ve sold you and I to the sky

And I wanna drift with you, alone,
I wanna buy candy floss from the clouds and pretend we’re the only humans to exist
I wanna live on a star,
I want my own planet and build a theme park the size of Europe on it
Girlfriends,
Somebody should noose em’
My ex best friend can’t live without hers
I’m my ex best friend,
I’m a loss to understanding

That I’m young and I’m broke
And I’m a privileged white girl with first world problems
With only Daddy to blame
We’re both passionate people,
Maybe that’s why I feel deep this way,
And that’s why when I step into the windows of your eyes
You bathe me in everything you’ve ever given to me,
You’ve given me everything
And its guilt as wrecking as this I find
To tell you “He’ll be just fine”
But what’s best for him is me, what’s best for me is him
And I tie us to the mast
And look out over our ocean, over our world,
Somebody pass me the bong I need to smoke out my problems
These issues are bubbling like fish inside my organs

I was not high when I wrote any of this,
It takes me a second to realise it
But how much more of the scarred over wounds can I take being jabbed at
Oh it aches.
It aches so much.
That somebody took me from being a girl,
And made me a woman because of it,

And that’s why we go back to the pizza boxes
And the DVDs left out of their cases
And our clothes on the floor
And wishing that somewhere we’d be reunited in that same hall again,
Do you see what I’m saying
Its futility, vulnerability
It proper scares me

And the worst part is
We don’t know what we actually want
We cling onto you because you’re the closest thing to finding out
And if we lost you
Well,
We’d probably lose ourselves.

Don’t Pretend

(NB. After a while, I get exhausted of heaving my heart into his mouth. And I do it anyway).

don’t pretend honey,
taking your heartstrings and strangling me around the neck with them
I rubbed myself down in the baby oil
and posed on a balcony in a halterneck
don’t pretend you love it,
don’t pretend you love me,

who’s ballin’ up the weed,
I am,
don’t pretend you don’t wanna fuck her,
don’t pretend that the world’s in your hands,
don’t pretend you’re my man,
I swore off reading the Bible at breakfast

I rubbed myself down in the cocoa butter
and you pushed me up against the bathroom door
and took me for a spin on your lips
who kisses skin as copper as this when you can’t touch it
when the beach is miles away
and we don’t pretend that we’re stuck in other parts of the world

don’t pretend with me,
I’m that girl who needs the sunshine to breathe and your freckles
to tattoo me
don’t pretend, just don’t say that I couldn’t hold you down
and glow all over you
its raindrops in the morning and sweat in the evening
we’re covered in each other’s tears

I don’t want to leave you,
I don’t want reason to go from the place
or to pack up my suitcase, I don’t want the smell of us to dissipate
your voice as deep as the ocean
your eyes as thoughtful as the sand
I’ve no reason to be caught in your throat
and instead of choking,

you pretend that you’re bonding to me,
I sit in your throat like a ball of hardened honey,
I smoke the air, I smoke my body,
don’t pretend that what I’m saying isn’t true,
when somebody loves you this hard
and the grey in you soaks me through

when I wrap my legs around your torso
I have the entire world to myself
and I pretend that this is us,
that forever’s starting now,
that I fell in love and sponged the seas dry with words
I say don’t pretend we’re sleeping in the same bed,

but let’s pretend.

Only So Much Uglier

The world turns like a lemon
And all I want to do is sugar it and make it into a spritzer
Or something that would make the bitterness burn away,
Something that would make it turn much more slowly,
And taste good all the while,

I want the time to stretch forever,
I want the way those fingers intertwine on the vines to stick,
There’s sugar to us, there’s bitter tears,
Children laughing, the sunrise on chairs and dollies,
I’m 5 years old in his arms and yet I’m 100 years old when we walk on the sand,

You feel it, the way it changes you,
The way somebody takes a chunk of you as though you were play dough
And he plays.
Lemons and play-dough, isn’t that childhood enough,
I’m going to marry him like I were Barbie and he were Ken,

Only so much uglier.

08.50am

You felt your way around my little corpse,
Pale and shrinking, deader than a broken equation,
A pressure kissing me made a Sun break the clouds.
Along pretty veins an ice thawed,
And holes filled in with the soil of your smile,
A breath hummed like a bird,
And blood ran like a fish.
You squeeze that painful heart,
Scarlet like God, and I’m bleeding your face like paint,
I pursued a Surgeon who broke than fixed,
I pursued a Drug who raped than pleasured,
I pursue a Prophet who looks into my eyes and turns me to water.
Can you imagine liquid concentrated in my love for your darling limbs, lashes, and ligaments,
Let me rain on you.
Let me rain on you.
Let me rain on you.
Let me drift on your sea bed mattress,
Carry me away by a hug of your rosy frowns and tulip kisses,
Lunge me into the dip and curve of your tongue and I’ll jump off the diving board into your lungs like air,
Deny me a piece of your soul like bait,
I will stain your throat in my love for you,
I will make you cough love letters and sneeze flowers.
A virus to be enjoying.
Darling it’s catching.
My corpse aglow.

Change

Well it’s tough shit to be this much of a dick,
Wipe your tits and throw caution to the wind
Cos love comes out of you like piss
And people change where the tide moves em.
Feel them.
You’ve every right to be at university,
Lemme say it quite comfortably,
You’ve got to give the impression you’re cool so get drunk
Because you’ve inhaled all the world’s characters into your lungs
And it’s difficult.
None of this change is wilful,
The mornings on the high street and the taste of last night’s kiss,
This is a hard life,
Life isn’t fair, and it comes at you in spades
And threatens to burn your family in your sleep,
I no longer eat,
I’m that body just breathing
And feeling no difference.
I do myself no favours,
I let emotion corrupt my stomach
Like vomit corrupts flavour
I take the time to savour the opportunity
But it’s not working out for me,
And I could change,
I’m angrier,
I’m harder,
I’m tougher,
Here’s my thick skin
It’s chaving
And I’m chasing something better than my dreams.
Thing is I just don’t know what.
I blow hot
I blow cold
The stress is making me old,
Today has to be better
Mum I’m feeling so under the weather,
I’m trying to deal with leaving Cornwall,
One foot in one uni, another in the other,
Trying to fit in living at home cos it hurts too much right now to live alone,
Finding somebody to pay for my tuition
Because the government just won’t listen
And students are finding it hard to make a living,
Tryna deal with the conversion of Ben
From being joined at the hip
To miles and miles away dealing in different business
And overcoming the hate when he drinks surrounded by other kids
And I go to bed in tears and he gets younger in years
I have no clue anymore,
I haven’t got an idea of what I want
Or where I need to be,
I want the arms and hugs of people best in company
And next weekend when I see him it’s make it or break it,
I’ll either still love him
Or can’t do it, it’s tearing me in bits,
Because having all of your life ahead of ya is hard
And people tell you that
But then tell you to live in the moment
And one day I’m going to be something,
I swear of it, and if I’m not I will make sure of finding another way around it,
I’m gonna love myself,
I’m gonna tell myself it’s worth it
And fuck love or change if it’s getting in my way of finding true happiness
Truth is I just don’t know what my kind of happiness is yet
But I like to think if I could turn the clock back
To being a kid and glad
Of just sunshine and orange juice
And my brain being soundproof of self-hatred,
That I would be the best
And moving down to Aberystwyth
Might sound like a good idea at the time
But I would sound unbelievably pathetic,
And all I really want is my mum and dad,
My childhood,
For him to stay in love,
Being 18 is complicated
Because you’re still a kid,
Even though the world’s telling you you’re an adult, so grow a pair Lyds
I feel bitter,
And don’t trust anyone with my heart,
I take drugs to make myself better
And for the rest of it I starve,
But seeing two magpies every morning
Makes the day feel more promising
I’ve no friends,
None left to love,
But “LYDS YOU’VE GOT ALL YOU COULD EVER WANT”
Dry these tears of a clown,
I’m proud to be privileged and not feel like I have it all,
I’m gonna do what I’ve gotta do for me,
I’m going to deal with change like chewing stones
But eventually I’ll swallow
Eventually this shit will get better
It always has to,
And as much as I’m exhausted,
I know what I’ve had to forfeit,
But give me a taste of this new world and be good to yourself, girl,
That at the end of the day he’s just another boy who you’re crazy about
And they’re your parents who’ll support you no matter what,
And Hannah and Swathi will love you,
Honey you’ve got yourself the lot,
And adjust and in time it’ll come soon enough,
That change can be great and change can be shit,
But throw yourselves into it,
And love it,
That if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be,
And if not you’ll one day get over it,
So pull yourself up and let you shake you by the collar,
This is life,
This is change,
And nobody,
And nothing,
Stays the same.

Unstoppable

do you remember the time I held my face in the sunset’s water?
I looked pretty.
do you remember how your tears fell
and from then on we were unstoppable,

there were kisses knotted in my hair,
your aftershave and stubble stained across my jaw
as though you’d crushed raspberries all over my neck
do you remember the time we were in the car

and we’d had an argument till 2 am?
and when I’d walked the surface of St Annes Square and chinese lanterns
bruised the new year
and I had no idea I was leaving home?

sometimes love’s unstoppable,
sometimes trust’s the cap on the bottle,
and I’d held that liquor and her bra unfolded and you were in awe
well this is where I come from

and Manchester’s my bricks and mortar,
but whatever,
sometimes we’re unstoppable,
sometimes you’re drunk and I’m in tears

sometimes I’m kissed by strangers and your belly’s brimming with fear
but just flick back to the drives and the horses we stroked
and the lunch time one off trips to McDonalds
and how you gathered me in your arms like I were a lamb

and held me,
happiness like that is worthy enough of dying
and I remind myself from time to time
that this version of you

is the student that wants to be grown, with beers in his hand
and welsh women of the land
but do you remember the night it burst
and I was torn between being a mother and being the baby?

sometimes maybe I should’ve lived elsewhere
where I come from the traffic’s unstoppable,
where I come from loneliness is walking alone in a sea of humans
and I have to think

you put that ocean between us
and I’m sea sick
I put the liquor to my lips now and go to bed with women
I brush my hair through of the knotted kisses

do you remember when I held the knife to your neck
and told you to pick
and Falmouth just wasn’t it?
and I held the moon between my teeth

and said kiss me now, bitch.
do you remember when I said that Peru’s going to set me up for hurt
and those two weeks spent
were the longest 3 am hours of my life

I’m green now,
so green,
70s gaudy, the green in oil lamps
of your new life

and its a memory of palm trees scattering the beach
that I was somewhere other than here,
dear am I momentary to you?
let this be forever,

do not mock me for loving others
i have unstitched my walls for you
I have bled worms and poison and secured you
but when rubies and emeralds collide

the anger and the jealousy
I am unstoppable
and sometimes the chest pain and the stomach ache
is so cruel

that it feels kinder to bludgeon oneself
like a pie,
like a bird,
to bludgeon myself as though I were a little girl killing Barbie again

do you remember when you held me in the water
when we stood in the Atlantic on that quiet beach in Maenporth
and the coastal walk was worth every second
just to feel our wet skin stick together in a hug

smothered by beach towels and sand grains
do you remember the way we first kissed in the car on that private land in a field
do you remember how I make you feel
or how I touch you

i believe we’re unstoppable
i believe we’re the pictures in the photo booth in the arcade
and bumper cars and drinks in the woodside
i believe we are november fireworks and mud and in love,

cupped in the warmth of each other’s arms
i believe that we are rain and Paddington Bear on the sofa
and candy, and blankets, sofa forts that we can’t make very well
i believe in showers shared, and legs locked together in bed

do love me forever,
do not be that student
do not forget me, forever friend,
swing with me in the sunset to our final breaths

there are nights I have watched you sleep and held your torso to mine
and believed in fairy tales
those nights now, replaced by Skype conversations
I believe that writing Unstoppable makes us Unstoppable

and that if it uppercuts and bruises me
as my legs are
that I believe in the Sun on my face in twilight
and I believe in your eyes on cloudy days

sitting in that graveyard outside school on the grass
staring into each other’s souls
honey I love you,
more than the world will ever come to know.

confess

i have destroyed everything i want
and everything i have lived for
and soon i will make that final drag of the knife
and kill myself

i have burned myself at both ends
and burned the bridge
the water won’t flow underneath there anymore
i have burned my dreams

and they are black and cold
and i am a girl,
very much alone
i have heaved the knife into my lungs

i have soaked my lips in poison
i have scattered ben to the wind
i have taken mother and father
and hung them on the rope, on the flag

all this
all these cliffs and cornwall
i want you all
i have taken hannah and reignited the flame

and then poured my tears
so the flame burns the student accommodation
and so the papers and the books and the money
is wasted like flesh, like love

i am yet to destroy my body
and tilt to a shade of purple
i have yet to sell myself to the devil
give him my soul on a platter of baked beans

and cheap wine
i have yet to thread the sharp edge of this dagger from my mother’s kitchen
deep into my poorly stomach
i will do it

i will be ruined and ruin.

i know you’re gonna fall out of love with me, so I just

go cold
you know when pluto became a discontinued product of our solar system
well that’s who I became
when you started to grow up

i know you’re not gonna want me one day, so I
have to lock my car from the inside
and the keys are in here with me
i’m not coming out of here

you’ll meet a cuter chick and there will be a new poetry collection
there will be slit wrists
and there will be shower rails wet from my blood
but don’t worry yourself…

“i’m scared of what people can do to me”
that’s because of what they already did,
and its no use feeling sorry for yourself
or talking about it

because its never going to make the skeletons crumble
in your wardrobe
someday you’re going to fall out

and it will be, it will be
and someday you’ll say you’re in love with what you had,
not what you have,
the glimpses of late night weddings

where we’re the only ones invited
and the moon’s our vicar
someday you’ll take the stars
you’ll take the sun

And this woman’s body will live on the empty land
and in some crater you’ll take a peek
and see the withered bag of limbs she’s become

i know you’re not gonna want me one day, so I
must be the shield, not raise it
i must lose myself like keys

like beads of sweat, lose myself as water does
so maybe there won’t be slit wrists
or wet bloody shower rails

there won’t be massacres
i won’t have my heart and head blended into a heartache smoothie
but know the loss

has to be this
a child beating it’s mother
the cliffs breaking down in my ribs

my mouth filled with toad poison
injected with every bruise god has ever felt
injected with every wound satan has licked

when it gets to that point
i’ll know, and i’ll have been wound up into a knot
and i will be pluto

i know i’m not forever to you
and if you ask me about my life or what its been for
even when you’re gone

i’ll say it was all for you.

King

(NB. Fathers feel things, too. They were just taught not to).

Who left your chest hard like those wet bony sand dunes?
Who said he’d be back and left you with a beer in a pub?
And the sounds of old men rack together and cut as if
He took a grater and sliced the voice chords of age.

There was a king, once.
He had a heart like a wolf.
The teeth he bore when hurt,
His own independence lathered him like soap bubbles. He sparkled.
He wouldn’t wash himself of his personality for you.

That King, well he had a daughter.
She sold herself to her writing.
And there was a mutual discomfort.
She should pursue something better with her time. He should be supportive.
And he would pay, he would pay. And she would resist, she would resist.

But she, like him,
Had the heart of a wolf.
She grated his howls into shavings which became soft words.
And then she would form sentences with them.
And it would fit, as Cinderella’s glass slipper did.

I have a story to tell you,
Where a King is brought onto his knees,
The land he owns, the jewels he sneezes,
The kisses he gives to his child
Drop into heavy lips of gold.

His teardrops as rich as the Sun.
I feel for him.
I feel for you Father.
Larger than life King.
You cry and it is an event that pierces the stars.

Only you could put me on my shoulders to touch them.
But like flowers,
I do not pick stars.
Like teardrops,
I pick them out of the King’s eyes.

The King couldn’t stop his daughter
Rolling away from him like the tide.
How can you order a force like the sea to return to you,
How can you tell loners to stay with the crowd?

Wolves, their silver hair, their gold eyes,
Wear the two in the eyes of the moon
And carry the night between the gaps of their teeth,
It rains inside the King’s mouth,
And he swallows sadness as if he were cutting a puppy.

I left his chest hard like the wet bony sand dunes.
I said I’d be back and left him alone with a beer in a pub.
He doesn’t drink, but if he’d laugh if he were bought one.
And the sounds of his friends rack together and cut him with advice as if
I had taken a grater and sliced the voice chords of old age.

Bless your father, little princesses,
Little cubs,
They fell in love once, and held you in their teardrops,
Smiles are wonderful as when you first opened your eyes
To this cruel world.

Tell him you love him,
Be strong,
Where he will be weak.
He will need you,
And you will thread him through the eye of your needle tongue

And say things you don’t mean.
Swim through water to escape him
And kiss the Sun as he kisses you.
That was something she did,
This Selfish Daughter,

She left.
With her ruby-words,
As red as his pain,
As scarlet as his wounds,
And all the world he had given to her,

Became dusk,
She didn’t know truly until now,
How much she needed her best friend.
Her father is her key.
And her tears fell like his,

Heavy teardrops as rich as the Sun.

“What the hell have I done?”
And so the story goes that weather reunited them
Days gave them their kisses,
Her dreams bloomed like roses,
And the King and Daughter had budded in a thawed snow.

They do not howl.
Their independence is theirs.
They only wash themselves of themselves for each other.
Teardrops can do this.
You just have to catch your father watching you sleep,

He loves you.

First Term

(NB. Somebody important once told me, “Not everyone is ready to move out at 18”. Who is really ready to leave childhood? Who, being provided with money and family and being loved, is ready to provide?)

‘Every man to himself’.
Well I’ll bet, the Tories hit it.
Student or not,
I’m struggling. I worry.
This new life,
Its torn me apart like drapes.
And I’m the cookie that’s crumbling.
Let chips fall where they may.

I used to make friends sitting by the swimming pool
In places like Tunisia,
But its no longer a holiday destination since ISIS.
I have had heat sew itself into the beads of sweat
And sunlight stuck in my pupils,
Tell me Bolton School,
Am I excellent enough for you? Or was this new life not good enough for you,
Should I be pimping myself out on the streets
Or freeing out shards of my heart to WordPress
Or selling my soul to making this career of mine work,

They say poetry’s not in the money
But I’m after the paper in books, its the fire in me
That’s spreading flames over my tongue
And its catching onto the ends of words,
I write, and my biscuit body is burning,
I’m hard enough now that nobody can crack me in two.

And in this new life,
I do not make friends just by sitting at the pool,
I have to die twenty times,
Smile at the same person 40 times in a row in the same place,
Initiate, speak, wrap the small talk around my teeth,
Kiss them a compliment.
Say I’m something that I’m not.
Wear Gucci at school.
I’m a chicken, and humans are pulling out my feathers.

I can think of a few liars who have fake Gucci at school.
And fake Emerald rings.
That pretend they know about things,
With research bagged in their brains.
As I lock my safe,
I dash the parents and the dog and the kitchen table and the A Levels
Somewhere deep into that hole.

It’s Sunday.
And I’m alone.